Flowers are blooming, birds are singing, and kids are bugging us for ice creams every five minutes. That’s right, the kids’ summer holidays are well and truly upon us.
Of course, having your darling children at home for six weeks raises one obvious question: ‘how the hell do I get them out of my house?’.
Travelling circuses are always looking for new performers, general helpers, or even just lion food, but if you’re not lucky enough to have one in your area, you’ll have to compromise like the rest of us and chuck them in the garden instead.
This is where your ability to choose the right outdoor toy is crucial. Get this right, and you can kick back all summer long. Get it wrong, and they’ll be back inside demanding Justin’s House on the telly within the hour.
14. John Lewis Children’s Garden Broom
Sure, I get the kids wanting to be grown-ups kinda thing, but seriously? If this is all you leave in the garden for your kids, you must be the type of parent that assumes that Cinderella was having a whale of a time before she was forced to go to a pesky ball. A broom is not a toy.
If you’re really keen on the idea of having the kids do your work and label it as play, then at least own it and get a ride-on lawnmower.
13. Hula Hoop
Maybe it’s because I boast the flexibility of a Ryvita and have never been able to do it myself, but there’s not much fun to be had here, is there? I suppose if your child is fairly adept at hula-ing, they might get half an hour or so out of it, but beyond that they’re too heavy to fly like a frisbee, too big for 3-legged racing, and too obvious to be able to get away with cheating at hoopla.
12. Frisbee
Nicholas Cage’s favourite garden toy: gone in 60 seconds.
11. Paddling Pool
A heady cocktail of hypothermia and sunburn awaits.
Despite the chilly temperature of paddling pool water, it’s still not quite cold enough to cryogenically freeze your children till September. Opportunity missed.
10. Monkey Bars/Skipping Ropes
What are you trying to do? Make them stronger? You know they’ll overthrow you one day, don’t you?
9. Space Hopper
Sweet, sweet memories of my own tangerine-coloured rubber buddy. I went everywhere with mine, being my preferred mode of transport between the ages of 6-10.
Why has it ranked so low then?
Because mine never left my bottom. I would bounce on through the kitchen and eat my dinner on it in the front room. You’re not guaranteed to keep your kids outside with a space hopper. I certainly wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving my old pal, Bounder outside overnight.
8. Football
Ah, the beautiful game. A football can go a long way when it comes to keeping your kid entertained. Unfortunately, they can also go a long way through kitchen windows. A risk.
7. Slide
Ooh! I’m sure garden toy fans everywhere were wondering who would come out higher, the slide or the swing? Slides are great, but drop points for the inevitable bird poo on the seat of your trousers.
6. Swings
Never in any doubt that it would prevail over its age-old rival, the slide. I’ve always been a big swinger.
Oh come on, you know what I mean.
5. Swingball Tennis
I’ve been lobbying for this to be included in the Olympics for the last 25 years. I’d have given the UK an easy gold for sure, ripping it up with a fearsome backhand, a cheeky lob, and a signature crushing double swing. Oh boy, I was pure poetry in motion!
Swingball sets are great fun, but there’s always some idiot nobber kid that gets too competitive and ruins it for everyone else. Hitting it too hard, slamming it up high, dangerously swinging his blo…oh…hold on. Oh no…That was me, wasn’t it?
4. Water Pistols/Bombs
It’s all fun and games until someone gets shot in the eye. Cheap and cheerful – every garden should have some.
3. Bubbles
You thought water pistols were cheap? You won’t be able to find more bangs for your buck this side of a rabbit barbershop. Nobody loves bubbles as much as kids. Apart fro…Is it too early for Michael Jackson jokes?
2. Trampoline
Sounds like a monorail for the scruffy, keeps kids entertained like a dream.
1. Bouncy Castle
What more apt description of the king of outdoor toys than a ‘castle’? Guaranteed to keep children out of the house. Not suitable for kids with spiky hair.
Of course, sometimes you’ll find yourself stuck with restless kids and none of the above toys to hand. In situations such as these, you’ll need to get a little creative. Take a look at these incredible fairy gardens created from different types of containers. Having your little one help you out with something like this will not only help to keep them entertained, but also freshen up the look of your garden as an added bonus!
If you’re still floundering in regards with what to do with those kids, don’t forget to check out my handy guide for surviving the summer holidays too.