Traditionally the man’s role included going out and providing while the women stayed closer to the home and provided care for the children and elderly members of the family. Whether this was going out to hunt in pre-industrial times or going to work, since the onset of the industrial revolution. But in our rapidly changing world, men are increasingly taking over the role of primary caregivers and we have seen the advent of the stay at home dads.
There are many opinions, both for and against this trend, but what many of us can agree upon is this: Stay-at-home dads are reshaping and redefining masculinity and gender roles within our society.
With the changing dynamics including rising cost of childcare, remote and hybrid workplaces, and of course the pandemic, many parents have had to adapt and rethink their arrangements. This has taken many forms including splitting shifts, one parent staying at home, full time daycare or a hybrid of all these methods.
Let’s look at the option of ‘one parent stays at home to fully care for the children’, in this case, the male parent.
Is this something you should explore? Only you can decide the best option for your family.
But here are our facts about stay-at-home dads to assist you in making the best decision.
Reasons why men become stay-at-home dads
Some common reasons for men choosing to become stay-at-home dads include but are not limited to;
- Desire to give their best to their little ones/personal choice
- Disability or chronic illness
- Child care cost
- Unemployment/job loss
Challenges affecting stay-at-home dads
Although it’s becoming increasingly common for men to stay at home and become their kids’ primary caregivers, the option has numerous challenges. They include:
Stigma and stereotypes
Unfortunately, our society still looks down on stay-at-home dads.
Many still believe that taking care of the children is a woman’s job. When you take over this responsibility, be prepared for your work ethic and masculinity to be questioned. This negativity/societal judgement can make it extremely hard for you to stick to your decision and many dads end up returning to work.
Stay-at-home dads are portrayed as clueless, lazy, and even as leeches. This cynicism and harmful stereotyping will affect your feelings, your ideas about your masculinity and take a toll on family structure. This can lead to anxiety, shame, resentment and low self esteem.
So, before you decide to be a stay at home dad, be honest with yourself. Can your sense of self handle the assumptions, misconceptions (no pun intended) and the digs that will inevitably be thrown your way? Can you stand to see your former colleagues and spouse advance in their careers while you take care of your kids?
Lack of moral support
Unfortunately, the negative judgement will most likely come from those least expected, like siblings, parents, friends, and even neighbours. For example, a grandparent may feel awkward that you are primarily raising their granddaughter.
Such a set-up may go contrary to their cultural expectations and beliefs. As a result, this can lead to isolation from the extended family, and other support systems, unlike if the mother was the stay-at-home parent.
Isolation
Stay-at-home fathers can feel uncomfortable associating with other stay at home parents since most are moms, thus leading to isolation. They shun activities like kid’s playdates, parenting seminars, and baby-centred happenings.
Considering that many parents’ groups happen during the week and are attended mainly by mothers, stay-at-home fathers find it difficult to join. This has an impact not just on you, but will also negatively affect your child who will miss out on all the age appropriate interactions.
Depression
For many men, the shift from earning a paycheck to being dependent on your spouse’s income can be difficult. Many fathers, especially those forced by circumstances beyond their control to become stay-at-home fathers, may undergo depression. Watch out for symptoms like;
- Feeling down
- Sadness
- Physical pain
- Withdrawal
- Sleep problems
- Anxiety
- Suicidal thoughts
- Crying spells
- Apathy
- Guilt
- Lack of concentration
Financial challenges
When one parent stays at home, it means that the entire family must adjust to living on one income. This can be stressful, and the lingering financial worry can cause many men to return to work.
The ever-changing job market is also a cause for concern when stay-at-home dads are ready to return to the workforce.
Financial burden can also cause a strain in your relationship and can easily lead to a rift in the marriage thus leading to divorce.
Should you find yourself in this predicament, get advice from a reputable law firm, to understand your rights, including spousal support.
Benefits of being a stay-at-home dad
While being a stay-at-home father has its challenges, it’s not all doom and gloom. There are fantastic benefits of being the primary caregiver for your children including;
Developing a closer bond with your kids
An opportunity to know and interact with your kids everyday will bring you so much joy. You will understand their daily activities, their likes, dislikes, what they love and their passions.
You will also have a first-hand opportunity to shape their values and create a lifelong bond.
What is your child’s favourite colour? Best friend (this week)? Being a stay at home dad gives you first hand information, a privilege that only a few fathers enjoy.
Additionally, it eliminates the need to leave your kids with strangers, offering a measure of safety.
You also get to save a significant amount on childcare, money that can be funnelled into other uses such as retirement, investment, or college funds.
A stronger marriage/relationship with your partner
It’s wrong to say that traditional fathers don’t play parenting and household roles. They do, but in a limited capacity.
However, when you flip the script and become a more involved parent, it can deepen and strengthen your marriage. Why? You walk a mile in your spouse’s shoes and develop a better understanding and deeper appreciation of each other’s contributions and worlds, especially if your spouse was the stay at home parent prior.
More so, it leads to each partner undertaking multiple roles that have a complexity of their own, thus intensely appreciating the person who’s empowered to perform such a role. If you let it. Being a stay at home dad can really improve your bond and relationship.
Capturing childhood memories
Adult world is harsh and drab, but stay-at-home dads get to enjoy an exciting, innocent world where you see the world through a child’s eyes again.
You get to take your kids out to restaurants, playgrounds, parks, fun fairs, and museums. You build tree houses, blanket castles, become superhero play-doh figures, and ride bicycles. Additionally, you get to cuddle up with your kids for a quiet time or watch Disney movies.
What a gift it is to be able to create a lifetime of memories with your kids!
Trains your kids to see beyond stereotypes
Stay-at-home dads reshape the traditional gender roles for their children.
You can be pivotal in helping your kids break the misconceptions and narrow minded gender roles through your example. This means your sons learn to become involved and loving parents to their kids and your daughters, learn to appreciate the beauty of having an equal partner who values their roles as a caregiver.
This more open-minded view point will shape and better equip your kids for the workplace, marriages and partnerships, and society.
Forging better bonds with other parents
Socialising and meeting other stay-at-home parents doesn’t just mean PTA volunteering or football practice. It means you have an opportunity to make real friends and networks that extend beyond children activities.
You can expand your social circle beyond your old friends and colleagues.
These bonds that you create with other parents will serve not just as a social net, but will help you to have an outlet for your worries and concerns such as re-entry into the workforce, relationship hurdles, and other adult concerns.
You get time for self-reflection
During early parenting years, you simply don’t have enough time for self-reflection. But, once your kids start preschool, you can work on developing new interests and skills.
Some dads may venture into a new business or perhaps start a new career, go back to school or develop other burgeoning interests like woodworking to create extra income. Every new skill creates an opportunity.
So, is being a stay-at-home dad right for you?
Yes and No!
Well, the above points should give you a solid conviction to follow your desires while putting your family’s interests first.
If you choose to become a stay at home dad, don’t get discouraged. Don’t allow the above challenges to overshadow the benefits. Focus on the job at hand, make it your second nature and embrace the beauty of walking with your little one in each step of their growth.
Fatherhood is great. Enjoy it to the fullest.