It’s happened. My son has got the bug.
He’s showing all the classic symptoms: describing goals to mothers that don’t care, kicking screwed-up socks around the house, and commentating along to himself as he does it.
That’s right. He’s got a bad case of football fever.
Like a lot of kids, he joined a local football club, and is already much better than I was. I love to see him play, and especially his celebrations when he scores. Over the last couple of years since he started, there’s been a huge amount of progress. That said though, for anyone who’s not seen a kids’ football match before, it’s fair to say that it’s a different beast altogether to the pro game.
In fact, there’s more than a few things that happen in kids’ football that you’ll never see in the Premier League.
The ‘swarm’ formation
Forget your 4-4-2s or your Christmas trees, Under 6’s football does away with any conventional formations. Instead, you’ll just see a buzzing swarm following the ball. It’s practically a mobile scrum, with the football ricocheting around everybody’s toes in the centre like beefed-up pinball.
Everybody wants the ball, and it’s absolute chaos. I can only imagine the captain chatting strategy beforehand, “Okay lads, we’re packing the midfield and lining up in a 0-10-0 formation today.
No passing
This seems to be the unwritten rule in kids’ football. As soon as the ball breaks free from the swarm, someone will go on a mazy dribble and try to take on 10 players, instead of passing to the kid with so much space around him that he’s practically in zero gravity.
You can’t blame the children really. If you’re going to put bibs on a group of young kids, you’ve gotta expect some dribbling.
Liverpool fans would love a team of Mo Salahs, but they should visit a kids’ game for a glimpse into how that would work in reality.
Don’t put it in the air!
Almost uniformly, if a child receives a pass above knee height, they’ll react to it as if it were a giant size 3 wasp. Faces contort, limbs flail, and backs turn. Expect to see a mini game of air Twister each time a throw-in is taken.
Football without borders
On the subject of throw-ins, the main difference between here and in the professional game, is that kids take a throw-in from anywhere but the sideline. The further away from it the better. Many opt for the sprint onto the pitch and throw from the chest, but there’s many who prefer to take it by encroaching on to the pitch behind them to launch it at a flailing sea of arms and backs instead.
More number ones than you’d expect
Most games will feature a number one in each goal, but occasionally, you’ll find that players have mysteriously disappeared, only to have run off for a number one of their own.
Some may argue that this is an instance that has been seen in the Premier League before, with Tottenham’s Eric Dier memorably sprinting off to go to the toilet mid-way through a match against rivals, Chelsea. I hate to be a stickler, but Dier’s boss at the time, Jose Mourinho somewhat grimly testified to this not being a number one.
Geez, talk about coaches over-analysing a player’s movement!
Shoelaces
Shoelaces coming undone EVERY FIVE MINUTES. I’ve no idea what kids do to make their shoelaces loose when it comes to a match. It doesn’t matter if you triple tie them with super glue and gaffer tape, your child’s shoe can, and WILL come undone once they step onto the pitch.
Knees ripped to absolute shreds
The Premier League is home to some of Europe’s best kept football pitches. Dedicated teams see to it that their hallowed turf is cut, watered, and treated just so. These pitches are luxurious carpets of green, designed to allow players and footballs alike to glide across the surface with ease.
Which means that as soon as little Timmy tries to emulate his heroes’ knee slide celebrations across the dry bobbly field behind the local British Legion, his knees instantly turn into grated beetroot.
Of course, you’re also likely to see some truly outrageous refereeing decisions (including my own!). On the whole though, watching kids’ football is genuinely entertaining, and to watch them all progress over the course of a season is really interesting to see too. If you don’t get down to see your kids or grandkids play that often, make sure you try to catch a game. Your kid will love it, and it’s almost impossible to see a boring game!