Your wild days are behind you, the odd silver hair glistens on your temple, and all your mates are getting married. Is it finally time to consider becoming a father?
While women have their mysterious biological clocks, poor men have to rely solely on their instincts to decide if the time is right to raise a child. If you are a man or just live with one, you’ll know that such instincts are invariably wrong. These are the instincts that make us buy the car with questionable brakes because it looks ‘sporty’, or that answer positively to questions such as “I wonder if I can clear that stream in one jump”.
Children however, can’t be sold at a loss on AutoTrader. Nor can they be dried-out over a radiator overnight.
You need to know that you’re ready.
Follow the steps in this handy guide, and you’ll glide into fatherhood effortlessly, with minimum change and upheaval. You want to aim for the smoothest transition you can from lad to dad.
Acclimatising to Noise
You may not realise how relatively quiet your household is, especially if like many couples, you don’t speak to each other.
If you fail to prepare for the upcoming wall of sound children bring with them though, you’ll find parenthood an insurmountable sonic struggle.
Merely upping the volume on your TV won’t sufficiently prepare you. In fact, you’re unlikely to be able to follow any TV programme coherently with children in the room. One exception that is useful though, are the episodes of In the Night Garden that feature them all going in that hill house and making some ungodly free-jazz din.
Seriously, I read that this show was designed to help kids to calm down before bedtime. Give this a play at full volume for the closest experience you’ll get to parenthood.
Another easy way to simulate the presence of children is by inviting over one of your partner’s workmates (preferably one that she doesn’t like), and allowing the drinks to flow. You’ll be greeted with a night of boisterous laughing, arguing, and a conversational volume that is inexplicably eight levels too loud. Perfect preparation for fatherhood.
Mess
Take a photo of your carpet. This will be the last you see of it.
Start liberally sprinkling toys and even just bits of toys all over your floors. Your child will thank you for doing half of its job for it, and it makes for excellent conditioning for your previously pampered toes.
Ask your partner to move the formation around every so often, so that you don’t get used to safe spots to put your feet. What we’re looking for here is the occasional barefoot stepping on Lego pieces, or if you’re really lucky, a full-on Home Alone style slip on some toy cars.
Food Donations
Each time you settle down to eat a delicious meal, or even just a chocolate bar, throw 70% of it on the floor. This will get you used to giving up your food to a doe-eyed child begging for whatever great snacks you have. Buying a dog will potentially have the same effect, and is particularly recommended if you have a suspicion that you may father a hairy child.
Another useful way to prepare is by getting used to only eating chocolate late at night (when children would be in bed). If you can master opening crisp packets and chocolate wrappers without making a sound, this will stand you in good stead too.
Monopoly on Summertime
It’s hard to explain just how much children are there. I mean, like all the time. From the moment they appear in the delivery room, they never leave your side.
When you’re taking an important phone call, they’re there. If you’re sat on the toilet, they’re trying to open the door. When you’re playing solitaire, they’re jumping your pieces on the other side.
The school summer holidays can be a particularly gruelling test for those that appreciate a little ‘me time’ occasionally. To see how you might cope, consider booking a holiday abroad for the whole of August and inviting your most hyperactive friend to come along. If your friend is one of those people that asks questions throughout every film they watch, then even better.
Lack of Social Life
Recent lockdown measures for Covid-19 have given many the ideal preparation to gauge how they cope without going out. Tough, wasn’t it?
Well guess what, extend that period tenfold and you’ve got parenthood.
There’s a reason that mums go wild when they go out on the town. It’s because they’re celebrating their freedom! It’s a similar story for fathers too. On your next night out, if you notice someone just stopping to appreciate the acrid pub air, you can guarantee that’s a parent on a rare outing.
The Relentless Marching of Time
If you’re approaching the big 4-0, it’s likely that you’ve already had the ‘having a child’ conversation with yourself. As a bloke, you’re kinda lucky that you can put off that decision till you’re in your 70s if you really wanted to. Leave it any later than that though and you might be fighting with your tot over who needs the nappies most.
Seriously though, if you still don’t feel ready at the age of 40, you probably never will. Nobody ever feels entirely ready to take on the huge responsibility of parenthood. By the age of 40, you should have learnt enough about the world to guide someone else through it. Take a look at this list of the things you should have learnt over your last 40 years; if you check off most of those, then you’re probably ready!