Condiments Ranked Definitively From Best to Worst - No Arguments

You’re stuck indoors. Even if you could venture outside, you haven’t got a babysitter. All you have for dinner are the things you’ve purposely been ignoring at the back of the cupboard for the last decade.

In short, your meal looks about as entertaining as an ITV double bill of Tipping Point.

How do you liven it up? You reach for your favourite sauce of course!

I’ve taken it upon myself to be the definitive voice for the nation as we choose the UK’s favourite sauce. That’s right. nobody can accuse Paternal Damnation of ignoring the world’s most pressing current affairs. This is technically a top 20 list of condiments ranked, but that’s because I can only think of 20 condiments. I actually hate some of these.

Roll up your sleeves; this one is gonna get messy!

20. Blue Cheese Sauce

I’m not even gonna dignify it with a response.

19. Salad Cream

Poor man’s mayo, creamy vinegar, bottled blister puss. Salad cream goes by a myriad of different names, but none manage to capture the downright offensive taste it offers. I mean, what is it even made from? If I was starving on a desert island and some guy on a rescue boat offered me some salad cream, I’d hit him over the head with the bottle and eat him instead. Nasty nasty stuff.

18. Sour Cream

Come on now. This one even says it in its name. Who thought that’d be a good idea? “yeah, this cream’s nice, but do you know what it needs? We’ll leave it in direct sunlight for a week and get some tang on it”.

17. HP Brown Sauce

“Ooh, which sauce do you have on your bacon butty?”

The normal one you nutter.

16. Worcester Sauce

Watery HP. Alright on cheese on toast and cooking with, but pretty limited.

15. Mint Sauce

Speaking of limited, has anyone ever had mint sauce with anything other than lamb? One trick pony.

14. Tartar Sauce

Fishalad cream. Not as good as arch-rival parsley sauce.

13. Mustard

Good in small doses. Problem is, nobody can actually remember how much is too much. Each time I have it, I use it too liberally and feel my nostrils burrow up into my brain.

12. Horseradish Sauce

Mustard for people who tie their shoelaces with a double knot. Like the hit of mustard but don’t want to risk the danger of face ache? Horseradish is your sauce. Better than mustard on beef and in mash too.

11. Sriracha

Overrated. Tastes like a spicy deodorant.

10. Mayonnaise

Good but gets sickly very quickly. Branding counts here: Go for Hellman’s instead of the Heinz version, which steers dangerously close to salad cream territory. Best avoided.

9. Encona/Supermarket Hot Sauce

Love love love spicy food! But this is just hot vinegar with little taste.

8. Ketchup

A surprise low ranking for such a ubiquitous sauce. Ketchup is the Gary Lineker of condiments. Nobody minds it, but you wouldn’t be that fussed if you never saw it again. Versatile though.

7. Salsa

Mexican ketchup.

6. Bread Sauce

Those who know, know.

What sauce do you give a carb fiend to pour all over their spuds? A sauce made out of toast.

5. Reggae Reggae Jerk Sauce

HP’s better-looking younger sister. Fun fact: Levi Roots is my friend on Facebook. When he reached the 5000 friend limit he spared me from the cull because I replied to him in cod patois. A 2010 court case revealed that it’s made from a recipe allegedly stolen from Roots’ best mate’s grandmother though (sorry Levi. If you’d have accepted my Paternal Damnation invite I wouldn’t have mentioned it).

4. Honey & Mustard Sauce

Like fish and chips or Black and Decker, honey and mustard sauce is far greater than the sum of its parts. Who would have thought that these unlikely bedfellows would get on so famously? It would have ranked even higher, too but you can’t really eat a lot before it’s magnificence gets a bit much.

3. Mojo Sauce

Green or red, it doesn’t matter! Anyone who’s been to the Canary Islands will know what I’m talking about here. Lathered all over crinkled Canarian potatoes – wowee! Apparently the red variant is for meat and spuds, whilst the green goes on fish. Fantastic, and would top the list easily if I didn’t have to whip my passport out every time I wanted to buy a tub. Morrisons occasionally have some red in though. Fun fact: mojo means ‘sauce’, so this is effectively sauce sauce. So good they named it twice.

2. Kebab Shop Chilli and Garlic Sauce

Especially the chilli. Again let down by their lack of exposure, the sauces that make a nation’s pittas soggy should really rank higher. A kebab without is just the sweepings of a butcher’s broom. With both sauces, it’s the best, and perhaps only way to end a night out.

1. BBQ Sauce

Gotta admit, I’m a little disappointed by our number one spot. It’s not exotic like Mojo or sriracha, not rich like honey and mustard, and not spicy like a hot sauce. What it is though is solid in every area. You want sweetness, you got it. Smokiness? Come and get it. A little tang? Yeah, a little bit.

Mainly though, it’s everywhere and easy to get hold of. You can get through gallons of it and it doesn’t get too much as quickly as others. In fact I’m gonna call it now: Britain, put down your forks. The age of ketchup has passed. It’s time to admit to ourselves that BBQ is and always has been the better sauce.

From mustards to hot sauces, condiments can make or break a dish — so if you’re looking to elevate your flavor game, it’s time to order hatch green chile.

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Condiments Ranked Definitively From Best to Worst – No Arguments