I’ve got a new baby, and boy, she’s a cute one! Have a look.
She is absolutely perfect, and actually pretty placid. We spend ages just looking at each other: me thinking “wow, you’re so beautiful”, and her thinking “holy shit, what’s this thing made out of hair and teeth looking at?”.
There’s five years between her and her older brother, and it seems like an age since I was burping, and changing him (the comma’s intentional, baby poo makes me belch). I’d certainly forgotten a lot since I last had to look after a baby. A few weeks in now, and these seem to be the main things that slipped my memory.
Umbilical Cords
OK, let’s start at the beginning. I cut it for my son, and I cut it again for my new daughter, but I still forgot just how tough these suckers are. Each time I thought it’d just be like cutting through a Mr Freeze lolly that’s been left out in the sun.
Not so though! You really have to work your way through these. For reference, it’s more akin to that tough plastic packaging for kids’ action figures that cuts you up when you try to pull it apart. Seriously, you could make stab vests out of this stuff. Of course, I also forgot that it can squirt blood everywhere, and I ended up looking like an extra from Kill Bill.
Belly Buttons
Neatly (or perhaps not depending on the cut) segueing on from umbilical cords is the belly button. I had clean forgotten that she had to have this freaky purple thing hanging off her tummy for a while. It doesn’t matter how much someone says it doesn’t hurt them, It still creeps me out to think of it snagging or pulling while giving them a cuddle. I was relieved when my wife told me this manky belly tail had fallen off one night. She never mentioned what she did with it though. I’m half-worried it’ll reappear under my pillow if we ever have a row.
Holding
Man, the shoulder ache! To get her head snuggled properly in your arms, you really need to bring those shoulders in. Watches are a no-go too. I’m a massive watch collector, but can’t risk wearing any at the minute, as babies can swing their head like Stevie Wonder mid-song and potentially catch it.
Not Interested in Daddy
I forgot that it takes a while for the baby to want to spend an extended period of time with dads who can’t produce milk. Babies are so sexist. All they’re interested in are boobs, boobs, boobs. I guess we’d all rather spend time with the mate who’s always getting the drinks in though.
Weird Noises
Our little girl sleeps in a Moses basket beside our bed, and when the lights go out and it’s quiet through the house she makes the weirdest sounds. I could swear sometimes that she’s been replaced with a mogwai. I’m always on edge hearing the gurgles and squeaks coming from her basket. “Is she alright?”, “are you sure?”, “it just sounded a bit…”, are all the noises I make that manage to put my wife on edge far more than anything the baby does.
That Delightful Smell
No, not the smell of those korma-style nappy-fillers, just the overall smell of a baby. How do they smell so damn good? If someone lived in my belly for nine months, they’d make your nostrils turn inside out.
I’m sure there’ll be plenty more things that I realise I’ve forgotten along the way. For now though, I’ll leave the list there and go have a sniff of my baby.
Give Paternal Damnation a follow on Facebook.
Hell, why not give it a follow on Twitter too if that’s more your bag.
You might also like:
- Teaching Your Child Good Manners: The Dangers
- When Should You Remove Your Baby Monitor? Not Yet!
- Choosing a Football Club for 5-year-olds to Join
- Odd Hobbies for Kids: Street Sign Spotting
- My Son’s Ridiculous and Long-Winded Bedtime Routine
- Condiments Ranked Definitively From Best to Worst – No Arguments
- How to Read a Baby’s Mind
- 6 Necessary Lies to Tell Your Children
- 6 Ways That Kids Make You Feel Old
- 8 Essentials to Pack in the Hospital Bag – Labour Essentials for Dads
I miss those days of breast feeding! My boys are 8 and 3 now so Daddy is definitely a favourite with them now, as he’s the good cop. #KCACOLS
Haha, I’m already good cop with my son. I’ll just have to wait till my daughter gets bored of milk!
In a weird aside, no animal born from an egg has a belly button. This weirded me out so much – though obviously logical. It’s funny what you forget about babies – thinking that you never will. #KCACOLS
Haha. Never really thought about it, but I guess not! Just us poor mammals that have to put up with those manky dangly bits!
What a cutie! It is amazing how much you forget about babies, There was only 2 years between my boys but I had forgotten everything! #KCACOLS
Thanks! Yeah, it’s so strange how easily we forget all the little details!
Ooooh, I haven’t had kid but good to know how hard it is to cut the umbilical cord. Will keep that in mind. Also, love the way you wrote with an extra sense of humor :). I wish I could write and use words like you.
Yeah, it’s certainly not as easy to cut as you’d imagine! Thanks for the kind words!
Haha this made me chuckle and feel broody all at once! The newborn smell is the most amazing thing ever! #kcacols
Thanks! Aw man, where does that lovely smell come from?! I’m sure there must be some crazy scientific reason, right?
I just saw a pic on FB of somebody else’s baby and it reminded me of the way mine used to always have her tongue sticking out. I cut her cord and nobody told me to clamp it first. Huge mess and a fail on my very first job as a dad #KCACOLS
Argh! I can imagine the mess! Haha. Yeah, this little one’s always sticking her tongue out at me too. Guess they must like trolling their dads at this age!
Awwww congratulations on the new arrival in your family. You are right – she is very cute! I think our brains are wired to forget all the stuff in the early days, mainly so we do it all again haha. Enjoy this special time together #KCACOLS
Thank you. You may have hit upon something there! No person in their right mind would repeat all that hard work if they remembered it vividly!
Wow if I will decide for the second baby I will have the same age gap! I think I feel the same! And I need to admit she is sooo cute #KCACOLS
We’re due our fourth in a few weeks. My husband has never cut the cord he finds it gross.
I’m looking forward to breast feeding mummy cuddles. 😊
Big congratulations! Yeah, it’s a little weird for sure! Not sure if I’d fancy doing it again.
Oh god, the weird noises! Newborns make some freaky sounds!
#KCACOLS
They certainly do!
Ha ha! These made me chuckle and smile. Yes, we forget so many of those early months. Maybe it is a good thing, as we forget the bad as well as the good #KCACOLS
Oh I hated the whole umbilical cord issue! It’s so easy to forget all about the baby days isn’t it! This is a great list really made me smile (and yeah I like the mate who gets the drinks in too) #kcacols
Haha, don’t we all!
My husband told me I used to stir at every single little noise our kids made when they were babies still sleeping in our room, no wonder I was so tired all the time! x #KCACOLS
I think I might have the same issue!
With a newborn in the house too I totally get this! This is baby number 4 for us but there’s still so much you forget #KCACOLS
We’ve gotta learn it all over again it seems!