Babies. One of life’s great puzzles. How are they made? What could they possibly be laughing at in their sleep? And just how can we determine what emotions they are feeling when they can’t talk to us?
Fear not, reader, for Paternal Damnation has enlisted the entirely fictional top child psychologist Dr Luke Atderfaysz, who helps us learn about personalities in babies, deciphering their facial expressions and needs. We had Dr Luke take a look at our in-house test subject, Orlaith to tell us how to read a baby’s mind.
Fist to Mouth
This is a classic sign that your baby might be hungry. Try her with a bottle (or boob if you have one to hand).
On rare occasions however, this can also be a more aggressive sign. After this pic was taken, I leaned in to talk to her and she bopped me on the nose. In this instance then, the gesture can be interpreted as “do you fancy a knuckle sandwich, pal?”.
Indecisiveness
Babies don’t develop strong decision making skills until they’re 25. Our test subject Orlaith here is still a good few years from that. This pic was snapped as she was deciding what to have for her lunch: a simple choice of left or right.
Mouth Open
Our test subject displays how impressed she is with the heavy-duty adhesive I found in the shed, and how it’s capable of affixing both her and the playmat to the middle room wall.
Rockin’ On
Unfortunately too much exposure at an early age to power chords or unlistenable guitar solos can result in your baby displaying these symptoms. If signs of rockin’ out are suspected in your baby, remove any black clothing immediately and play The Best of Lionel Richie three times a day.
Stern Face/Both Arms Up
Gotta get those guns out, bro. Go on, give ’em a squeeze. Haha, what? Can I bench 200? Try 300, bro. You just gotta get your mum to squirt it in a bottle and mix it with a little creatine and spirulina: extra protein. Tip for you there, bro.
Eyes Wide/Worried Look
What effect is this global instability going to have on my index tracker fund and future compound interest I’d expect to accrue from its dividends? Percival was right; I should have diversified my investments more.
Tongue Out
Screw you, sucker! I’m riding a yeti!
Hand Over Eye
Is there a volume dial on that shirt, Dad? Cos that shizz is LOUD.
While we were initially concerned about a potential sensitivity to light, our test subject stopped displaying this behaviour once all her father’s Hawaiian shirts where in the wash.
Mouth and Eyes Wide Open
A common reaction to the baby being surprised. Perhaps she hadn’t noticed a sibling in the room prior to a loud noise, or a sudden flash may have appeared on the TV. In this instance, she had just been told that Paul Rudd is 51.
Hands Over Ears
You can scale back the Lionel Richie now.
Closed Eyes/Smile
Dreaming of victories past, our test subject sleeps with the dismembered hand of her oldest foe, and cackles at the memories of his futile pleas for mercy.
Propping up Head
This is an effective indicator that your child is becoming annoyed at being used as a test subject for some ridiculous blog post.
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This made me laugh out loud, very clever. And beautiful pictures. She’s so expressive! #KCACOLS
Thanks! She is VERY expressive!
She is so cute. I hope you will be able to read her mind for a long time 😛 but as a Mom of 4-year old, I just want to tell you that they have a crazy mind and sometimes is just better not know:P
#KCACOLS
You might be right!
Hilarious and now I know why my boy spent so much time propping up his head! Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time
Haha. She gives me that look a lot!
I wish I would have read this article when I had my daughter that age, now as she is 6 yrs old I still wonder sometimes what she is thinking about!
They only get more complicated, don’t they!
This reminds me of when my children were babies and I thought I had no idea what they were doing but actually gradually you learn all these little signs. A great post for new mums.
Fascinating reading and super cute photos. Great information for parents everywhere. Thanks for sharing.
These photos are so cute! I can’t even choose a favourite because they’re all so sweet.
Oh I had a good giggle at this post! So cute!
Haha! This made me chuckle. She’s adorable too, by the way! ❤
This is so cute!
Oh my goodness she is just adorable and this is hilarious
https://emmareed.net
She is so cute! My son is 14 weeks old and we are forever wondering why his fist is always in his mouth! Thanks for clearing this up 🙂
My what a nice baby you’ve got there. She must have a beautiful mother!
#KCACOLS
Oh this is adorable, all those cute little faces!
Love the descriptions, her face is just stunning.