6 Necessary Lies to Tell Your Children

Honesty is always the best policy. This is what we teach our kids in order for them to grow into good well-rounded individuals. Problem is, that we do this while lying through our teeth 24/7.

They want the truth? They can’t handle the truth! That’s why we’ve compiled our list of the most necessary lies to tell your children to keep them in line.

Santa is watching

I’m not going to touch the big ones. You know, the fairy ivory-dealer and the portly Coca-Cola mascot. We all know we have to keep those up. But when you think about Santa, the info we give really does go against a lot of our usual advice:

“Don’t accept gifts from strange men” turns into “Oh go on then, seeing as it’s Christmas”.

“Don’t worry, burglars can’t get in, I’ve locked all the doors” turns into “Don’t worry, Santa will just shuffle down the chimney, easy”.

“Just stuff this pack of bacon up your jumper whilst nobody’s looking” turns into “Santa is always watching”.

Just kidding. I don’t advise my kids to shoplift (those security tags are too tricky now), but the Santa always watching line is an effective (if slightly creepy) lie to tell. Kids want those pressies and will do anything to make sure they don’t irk old Saint Nick.

You can be more liberal with the use of this particular lie than you’d think. Like a puppy, this one’s not just for Christmas! Kids start getting excited from as early as late October, so get lying! Santa can also legally claim those presents back within seven days of Christmas if any bad behaviour has gone down. Hell, why not go mad and introduce a Father Birthday to start snooping on them as well for some year-round threat of withholding toys.

This lie obviously loses its effectiveness as the kids get older. The directors at my old workplace had CCTV cameras fitted to make sure we were all doing our work. This is basically the adult version of the same lie. As they only came in one day a week, I doubted either of them fancied watching through seven days of real-time footage to catch me practising rubber band archery and playing Minesweeper.

It’s nearly midnight!

“Bedtime? No way”

“Yes way, you’ve stayed up really late. It’s getting dark”

“I just saw you close the curtains. It’s still light!”

“That’s just because it’s summer. It’s nearly midnight!”

“But I’ve only just had my lunch”

“Bed, now”

Be careful with this one. It may be best to liaise with your child’s teacher to see when they’re due to learn how to tell the time.

It’s got chilli in it

Having a kid is a lot like having a dog: they eat leftovers off the floor, love getting muddy, and always want what you’re eating.

This lie is great, but loses its efficiency a little when kids start to read and become a bit doubtful of the claims. Luckily for me, I love spicy food and the first time I was called out on this lie by my stepdaughter, I was actually eating something with chilli in it. That gained me at least another 18 months of lie-telling. Unfortunately for me, it turns out my son likes a little spice in his life, and he’s been eating 50% of each of my meals ever since.

I’m sure Mrs (insert teacher’s name here) will be interested in hearing about this

Kids get a bit lackadaisical with the whole ‘unconditional love’ thing. They’re happy to act like wild animals at home because they know their parents will always love them. At school however, they’ve been carefully cultivating a conscientious academic identity for their teacher. So much so, that Mrs Teacher thinks that your child is the perfect student and an example for everyone else to follow.

All you have to do is threaten to knock down their fragile tower of deceit.

They don’t give a monkey’s if you want them to go to bed, but watch as they scurry for their pyjamas as soon as you tap out an email to their teacher on your phone’s blank screen. That’s right; you’d better run!

Ants

Bit of a wildcard, but my dad was one of the best for telling necessary parenting lies. As a scruffy little kid he told me that if I flicked bogies around, the bogies would eventually turn into ants that recognise my scent and would come back to nibble my toes in my sleep. Woah, cheers for the heads up, Dad. Bogey flicking: stopped.

To my shame, it wasn’t until my late teens that I actually stopped to think “hold on. That doesn’t make any sense!”, and of course now I pick and flick to my heart’s content.

I’m joking of course, but the lie did its job. So much so that I’ve re-purposed it for my son who leaves crumbs all over the floor. Now this has that element of truth that crumbs will attract ants, but also that bit of menace that makes him accountable, in that the ants will know it’s him and come straight for his toes. Summertime’s great for this particular lie, as you’re bound to find some ants somewhere. Make a big deal about the ants’ appearance, perhaps insist your child sleeps in trainers until they’ve gone. All’s fair in keeping a clean carpet.

What parenting lies do you tell your kids? Let me know in the comments section

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